Recently I was invited to speak to a group of about 300 women in the suburbs of New York City. They were full of energy, wit and candor about the changes they were experiencing. As always the “question” part of the evening became what we once called a consciousness-raising. And as always, there were surprises. Someone asked for a show of hands of the “single” – divorced, widowed, never married – women, and to my (and their) amazement two-thirds of the hands went up. (When I polled the divorcees further it turned out the two-thirds of them had initiated the split – reflecting a national statistic for our age group – and were damn glad they had!)
Now, we all know that two-thirds of suburban women are not single – this was a group that was seeking community. I was delighted to see them exchanging phone numbers and signing up for the Transition Network affiliate that had sponsored my talk.
The “singles” conversation reminded me of a reply to my website invitation to write me about what Second Adulthood is like. A woman named Kate referred to her former spouse as her “WASband.” First, the editor in me mentally corrected the typo; then I laughed out loud. That laugh was just the most recent taste of the nourishment we get from helping each other define and manage this new stage of life we are going through.
Here is more from Kate and a few of my other correspondents on the subject of the changes in their lives:
Kate:
I have gone from thinking I would be one of the Married-with-secure-life-style type of woman to a totally unknown Figure-it-out-as-you-go single. My wasband of 28 years told me he was not having a “midlife crisis” he was having a “midlife AWARENESS.” Well that awareness turned out to be named Vicki. Old story… new life …for me. That has begun quite a path to a new and different awareness … of myself as a person; as a dating single; as a divorced mother with grown children who have questioned and decided to blame; to deciding what it truly means to reinvent your life.
I started dating, went into a serious four-year relationship, followed my intuition and left that. I am 55 and it is time to breathe deeply and fully… and learn to do that on a daily basis.
One of the difficult things for me is the fact that although I have a wonderful, loving, caring circle of friends, they are all married. At my age it is difficult to find women who are single that are on the irreverent edge of life. There is SO much to go and do …and laugh about … and have a “fuck it” attitude one day, yet be available to walk the traditional path other days.
Barb:
You talk about those things we can change or just have to accept, but I do want you to know that a leaky bladder is not one of them. In fact, I left my 18-year career as a regular gynecologist to become a subspecialist in a new area of GYN called urogynecology that treats that area especially. I love working with (and hanging out with) women my age and up.
Maree:
I am now 58 and have been, for a few years, aware that if I want to grow, especially spiritually, I have to let go of concern about acquiring any more money. Slowly I am making some progress at living without the hangover of preoccupation about money. … As long as I have enough to visit my kids who live interstate and overseas, then I don’t need any more money.
Mary:
Money is still important to me, but I don’t have the drive to buy clothes and accessories like I used to. It is more likely because I don’t have a lot of places to wear them. I can repeat, since I am seldom with the same group.
Mary Louise:
Fifteen years ago (is that possible?) I met and started dating a man, and we have been dating ever since!!! No marriage, just dating…. He doesn’t want to get married and neither do I… “Once was enough” we both say, and as surely as fish swim in the water, if we got married with would last about three months, if that long!!! It’s something about having one’s own space and being in control of it and one’s own life without having to answer to anyone.
Norma:
Being unemployed for the first time in my life at age 53 hurt. Hurt even worse, as my resume and cover letter got me into interviews, even repeats, then having to come to realize no one seemed to want to hire someone as “experienced” as I. (One time after interviewing for a job, an ad popped up in a local paper for that exact job, now spelling out they were looking for someone with 5-10 years of experience – not my 20+ years experience). I was lucky to finally find another job a year later, through an employment agency, by doing a temporary stint, then ultimately getting hired at a school at a low level position. I have the summers off without pay but am able to keep the insurance going for a modest monthly fee. So I decided to accept this new situation (albeit not by my choosing) as having my life “reinvented” to enjoy the summers off for the freedom this offers; started watercolor painting and doing some quilting, along with taking short trips to the Maine coast.
Carole:
Frequently, lapsed friendships are due to different life paths at different times. However, those same friendships pick right up again where they left off, as our life paths converge again at future points. This too is an inspiring and amazing turn of events in our lives.
Audrey:
Here comes the next stage. We have lost many of our family and friends over the past few years, and each time a friend dies, it is so much of your own life’s memories that die with them. It seems to me that part of mourning erodes one’s own identity……Conversely this also has a dramatic effect. You say to yourself: I am still alive; I should not waste this life I have – which is a good sense to have.
Anyway, here’s to yet another year of adaptation. The rich tapestry of life.